Source : THE AGE NEWS
After a long period of putting up with aggression, rudeness and abuse from a colleague, I finally gave in and made a formal report to HR.
What this person did was hurtful, but I understand they would want to present their side of the argument. I also knew the person would downplay much of what I said, but I was shocked to find that they also responded with the most outrageous lies about me. There isn’t even a small element of truth to anything they are “counter” alleging against me. And the fact that they are now telling others in the organisation that I “ruined” their life is further salt in the wound.
Is this some kind of tactic or is this person living in an alternate reality?
Could your colleague be coldly and cynically employing a tactic? It’s certainly possible.Credit: John Shakespeare
It’s awful to hear that these experiences have been part of your everyday work life for so long. And I’m so sorry that your attempt to bring your colleague’s behaviour to an end has only led to more distress.
Could they be coldly and cynically employing a tactic? It’s certainly possible.
What you’ve outlined sounds very much to me like what psychology researcher, Dr Jennifer Freyd has described as DARVO. It’s an acronym describing “a reaction perpetrators of wrongdoing … in response to being held accountable for their behaviour”. It stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. This article by Nicola Heath sums it up really well.
Your co-worker’s lies may not be the product of grand delusions, but they are clearly an attempt to construct a false version of past events.
Although DARVO isn’t exclusively used as a cunning, fully thought through, gambit, Dr Freyd has found that it can be enormously effective. It’s classic gaslighting, and often succeeds in getting the victim to question or even blame themselves.
Thankfully, that hasn’t happened in your case – your abusive colleague hasn’t managed to shift your understanding of reality – but it may have shifted others’ perceptions. One of the other primary reasons abusers employ DARVO is to diminish their victim’s reputation and, so, their credibility.
I spoke with Prabha Nandagopal, a human rights and discrimination lawyer who has held senior positions at the Australian Human Rights Commission and now works at Elevate Consulting Partners, a company she founded in 2022.
In her role, Nandagopal has spoken with hundreds of workers about their experiences of bullying, harassment and discrimination in the workplace.
“I’ve seen this [flipping the narrative] occur particularly where there’s a power imbalance, for example, between a junior and more senior colleague. This tactic can be a way to deflect accountability. [The abuser] may even use their position of power to recruit allies to strengthen their position.”
Your co-worker’s lies may not be the product of grand, sincerely held delusions, but they are clearly an attempt to construct a false version of past events. To answer your question directly, they’re not stuck in an alternative reality, but there is now an alternative history that they can point to as they attempt to gain support in your organisation for their insistence that they’re not the villain of the piece.
“Bullying often thrives in situations where there’s a power imbalance, but power isn’t always top-down – it can run in different directions. For example, women, people from culturally diverse backgrounds may be in a position of power but can experience marginalisation in the workplace,” Nandagopal told me.
Whether this response to your allegations is cunning and calculated or desperate, reflexive attempt to avoid responsibility, it’s all about creating noise and confusing the situation. Nandagopal’s advice is to fight lies with facts.
“While it’s deeply frustrating, focus on remaining factual and presenting clear evidence, where possible, and trust that HR or an independent investigator will see through the noise.”
Send your questions to Work Therapy by emailing jonathan@theinkbureau.com.au
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