Source : the age
Why have I left it so late to learn many of life’s most basic principles? Couldn’t one of those interminable geography lessons at school have been skipped for just one week? That way, my teachers could have conveyed the information that I have been denied for so many years.
Point one: plants need fertiliser to grow well. I discovered this two months ago when, on a whim, I poured a mixture of concentrated seaweed and water onto a few pot plants and was rewarded with spectacular, almost instant, growth. Flowers bloomed. Choirs sang. Why was I never told? I always thought I was hopeless with plants.
In retrospect, I should have noticed the many shelves of fertilisers on sale at Hardware Hell and wondered why they filled up half the store. Maybe I was too focused on the sausage sizzle. Still, lesson learnt. Rather late.
Also: for at least 50 years I’ve been heating the oven until it reaches 180 degrees before throwing in the jacket potatoes. Completely unnecessary, I have recently learnt.
Plenty of food items can be placed in a cold oven and they will start heating as the oven starts heating, with no impact on the outcome and a considerable saving of power. If I’d saved all the energy I’ve wasted on 50 years of pre-heating ovens, I could treat myself to a first-class plane trip to Paris and still be ahead in terms of both dollars and damage to the planet.
Younger readers (if I have any) might decide to take some advice from a moderately older gentleman. Here’s my list. Don’t smoke. Don’t try heroin. And always treat the junior staff as if they will one day be your boss, as they most certainly will.
If you reach page 157 and it’s still boring you, throw that book across the floor. Life is too short to spend time with bad writing.
Oh, and I nearly forgot. Go easy on the spuds. While certainly delicious, I’ve learnt that they are a mistake if consumed every night of your life. Eat them once a week, having started them off in a cold oven.
Speaking of going easy, did you know that you can halve the amount of laundry detergent you use and it will make no difference to the quality of your wash? I spent five decades using three capfuls. Cut it by two-thirds and see if you can tell the difference. From now on, add one capful and mark down the weekly savings to me.
Of course, not all my late-in-life lessons are about the humdrum and the domestic. I’ve learnt over time that it’s a rare film that’s worth anything over two hours. The best come in at 90 minutes, and nearly always star Steve Coogan.
I’ve also discovered that you should persevere with a novel because some authors falter on the first stretch but then come good later. On the other hand, if you reach page 157 and it’s still boring you, then throw that book across the floor.
Life is too short to spend time with bad writing. More importantly, a bad book is like a nightclub bouncer preventing the entry of good books. It will sit there on your bedside table, unread and unreadable, wagging its finger at you and putting you off reading anything at all.
What else do I wish I was taught in year 5 geography? I’d be willing to give up the time we took learning about the “Formation of an Oxbow Lake” or “Crop Rotation in Traditional Farming”, both of which we illustrated in a series of painfully memorised drawings and neither of which have proved particularly useful.
Instead, a whole world of information could have been imparted. For instance:
– There’s a symbol on the car dashboard, right next to the fuel gauge, which indicates the side of the vehicle on which the fuel cap is located.
– Most fitted sheets have a care label in one corner, which should be placed against the bottom right of the mattress or against the top left. (Personally, when I’m doing the sheets I say “reds under the beds so left is tops” but in this moment of One Nation ascendancy, I do wonder whether I’m “in line with the times”.)
– A third martini is always a mistake.
– The dishwasher tablet can just be thrown into the bottom of the machine. It doesn’t need to be carefully placed in the little hatch.
– If you always put your wallet and your keys in the same place, you’ll save yourself a lifetime of anguish and frustration.
– If you scrape your car against a pole, you can remove the mark by spraying it with WD-40 and then rubbing with a microfibre cloth.
– All the banks are bastards.
Meanwhile, I’m contemplating a pot plant, given by a friend to celebrate the birth of my first granddaughter. The plant and the granddaughter share a name. The plant is now flourishing, as is the granddaughter. The Yates Garden Guide says it blooms in mid-winter. That’s soon, right? Could I speed it up?
A little fertiliser may be required. I’m off to mix some up. How marvellous that I finally have the skills to understand how to make the most of life.
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