I put my arm around a colleague’s shoulder. Was I being inappropriate?

I’ve been reading about the encounter between Matthew Guy and Moira Deeming, and it has brought back memories from my own work history.

I was working in a supervisory position and a junior staff member came to me and confided that they were struggling with a difficult family situation. They became upset. I had always thought that in a workplace, shaking hands is as far as touching should go between colleagues, but felt such sympathy for the person that I lightly put my arm around their shoulder.

They immediately said, “Don’t do that”, and walked away. I was mortified. I had hoped to console them, but had instead made them feel uncomfortable. Later, I apologised and asked if we could talk about what had happened. They said they didn’t want to.

Since then, I have been ultra-cautious about interactions with colleagues. I don’t blame my former colleague at all, but I do think the moment has made me a less warm and open manager. Is there an etiquette I should have known about and can follow in the future?

I asked Dr Andrew Dhaenens, a senior lecturer in management and leadership at RMIT, about your email. He told me that there’s a long and deep academic history investigating the subject of touching and how it relates to culture and communication.

“Touch is an integral part of the human experience, intensifying the meaning of our emotional displays. [Research] shows us that touch is a powerful part of conveying trust, empathy and connection. It’s precisely why it can be so meaningful when welcomed yet so uncomfortable when it isn’t.”

There are cases where touching at work is entirely acceptable. But if you’re not sure, the best advice is simply to err on the side of caution.

“It’s really one of those forever complicated subjects.”

One of the main complications is that touch means many different things under different circumstances and to different people.

As Dhaenens eloquently explained: “Our preferences around touch are both individual and cultural, but they are also somewhat gendered and deeply shaped by our personal histories. The problem is that we are not privy to those histories.”

I have great sympathy for your (former) colleague. They were obviously discomfited, perhaps even distressed, by the moment that you related in your email. There are any number of reasons why this may be the case, but no way of knowing what these might be.

The memory that touch might have evoked or what aversion it might have provoked is both relevant and, perhaps paradoxically, none of our business. We aren’t owed an explanation.

I also sympathise with you, and I don’t want to chastise you or cast aspersions on your intentions. I have little doubt you genuinely wanted to show that you cared without seeming tokenistic or cold. I understand why you thought it was the right thing to do, although I don’t think it was necessary.

On this point, I agree with Dhaenens and another expert I spoke with on the matter – Dr Denise Jepsen, a professor in the Macquarie University Department of Management, and an organisational psychologist – who both told me that touch isn’t required to give comfort or convey empathy.

“Yes, it may sound heartless and not feel like a natural response, but it comes with the territory of being a manager, where it’s important to demonstrate appropriate behaviour, role model and find ways of dealing with awkward situations,” Jepsen said.

“If you want to avoid being an ‘ultra-cautious’ manager, that’s OK, but it doesn’t involve touching without permission. Find a way to be ‘warm and open’ using appropriate language and other signals.”

Dhaenens said that something to consider in the future is that “the safest and most supportive response is simply listening and acknowledging what the person is experiencing”.

This advice is backed by strong evidence, and also, at least to my mind, passes the common-sense test. How many of us have confided in a friend or family member only to be met with a torrent of hopelessly obvious or absurdly impractical advice? Or, worse, managed to elicit a story about their own travails that seems to verge into the territory of tactless one-upmanship?

Many people don’t divulge something painful to be pitied or because they’re seeking a definitive answer, but simply because they want to be heard and believed. Some may want to be comforted, but it’s important we don’t assume that this is the case.

Yes, there are cases where touching at work is entirely acceptable. Handshakes, for example, remain deeply embedded in many workplace cultures. And if you and a colleague consider each another close friends, all sorts of expressions of geniality or solicitude might be mutually welcome.

But if you’re not sure at work, the best advice is simply to err on the side of caution. Or, as Dhaenens put it, “Whenever in doubt, leave it out.”

Send your questions through to Work Therapy by emailing jonathan@theinkbureau.com.au

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