These are the forbidden phrases the NRL won’t let you hear

Media memo No.1
From: The office of the NRL director of approved opinions

Thank you, all. Now, as you no doubt suspected, our beloved leader, Kim Il PVL is busy right now, on the blower to his close personal friend, the Pope. Yes, of course he’s used the very number that “Poppo” – as he calls him – provided after a racing dinner a few years ago.

He’s great at numbers. They’re sorting out the conflict between the Pope’s scheduled appearance at Randwick Racecourse on the Sunday of the long weekend in October 2028 and the NRL grand final, which is on the same day. Kim Il PVL is rightly of the view that the needs of one of the most revered men in the world will have to come first in this delicate matter – so the Pope will have to reschedule.

Yes, the Pope might rule at the Vatican, but not in Sydney, and NOT at Randwick Racecourse. Let PVL tell you that for nothing.

In the meantime, His Lord Leagueiness has asked me to take you through the changes we at the NRL wish to bring in to eliminate conflicts of interest among media commentators, and ensure that coverage of the game will henceforth, hereto with pursuant, be as positive as a Lance Armstrong drug test.

I am not taking the piss. You do it.

So, when it comes to the Conflict-Free Commentary Initiative, you will find it’s our way or the highway. So anticipating your refusal to register such conflicts – as Phil Gould for one, I’m sure wants to keep his relationship with the Bulldogs a secret – I’ve called cabs for all you blokes with other gigs in the game, including Matty Johns, Gorden Tallis, Billy Slater, Johnathan Thurston, Braith Anasta and Cooper Cronk, for starters.

Just hand in your badge, leave your microphones on the desk and your accreditation at reception.

For those who remain – by whom I mean you, Bern the intern and Sid the coffee kid – congratulations! You have been selected to participate in PVL’s Positive Commentary Program. Under the new guidelines, which we’ll shortly be pinning to your forehead and chiselling on to the tombstone of your independence, there will be: no further criticism of refs, the bunker, the NRL, expansion plans and the game. And NEVER, EVER will there be any criticism of His Lord Leaguiness himself.

Approved phrases include: “The fans are going wild”; “This is the best game since Christ led the Jerusalem Jesuits to victory over the Roman Rovers”; and “Another masterstroke by His Lord Leaguiness!”

“Do you think PVL has gone barking mad.”

A forbidden comment under the NRL’s new rules

Forbidden expressions include: “What were they thinking”; “That’s ridiculous”; any sentence beginning “With respect …“; and, most particularly, “Do you think PVL has gone barking mad?”

While discussing the game in general, any suggestion that it is a bit weird for PVL to be railing against conflict of interest when no NRL boss, ever, has a conflict of interest with loyalty to another sport like he has – let alone holding down a whole other professional gig as he does, as chief executive of Racing NSW – is strictly forbidden! OK, he is on long-service leave from his racing gig.

In similar fashion, some of you might opine that it is a bit bloody much for Our Lord and Saviour of Rugba League to accuse Senator David Pocock and his colleagues in the Senate of being “publicity seeking extremists [whose] main aim is to run everyone’s lives” – just because of their interest in sane gambling reform – when no one in the history of league has gone after publicity like he has, and he is now trying to run your life. But that would see your network hauled before us.

And yes, you could also point out the breathtaking hypocrisy of PVL going hard at Pocock and his fellow senators, saying: “What’s more disturbing is they get into this power with a handful of votes.” Pocock actually got more than 114,000 votes (nearly 40 per cent of first preferences) at the last federal election, more than any of the major parties in the ACT Senate race, while PVL got into power himself on no more than – dot three, carry one, subtract two – EIGHT votes. But we don’t care.

From today, you will remain within the parameters of the Positive Commentary Program, or you will be dropped off at the station, from the station, with the other losers.

Remember, PVL and I are watching you and your broadcasts, even if no one else will soon be.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Bravo Bob, job well done mate

In terms of awareness of the gravity of motor neurone disease and raising money to help those afflicted, the tragic story of retired South Sydney NRL star Jai Arrow has been front and centre.

But not far behind, working flat out has been a fabulous 82-year-old bloke by the name of Bob Montgomery, one of MND NSW’s most committed long‑distance advocates – a man who spent years using his bike and his voice to educate communities about the disease.

His most remarkable effort came in these past couple of months as he rode a staggering 5000 kilometres from Broome to Bowral, stopping in towns along the way to speak with locals about the cause he cared about so deeply.

That ride alone he raised more than $100,000, and he has already raised twice as much again to hand over to MND NSW.

The money goes to support people living with MND, providing essential equipment, rapid‑response support services and practical assistance to ease the burden of families trying to cope.

Bob’s impact wasn’t just feel-good; it changed lives and helped those suffering MND to get through.

Last weekend was the pinnacle. He finished in Bowral on Sunday, riding alongside his 18‑year‑old grandson, Tom, before the two pushed on for an additional 150km from Bowral to Sydney.

There, friends, family, supporters – and Arrow himself – gathered to welcome Tom home. Three cheers for Bob, and job well done, mate. They toasted him three times through, and he toasted them back, the survivors and supporters alike.

Alas, only a few hours later, while Bob was driving back to Bowral, the grand old man suffered a medical episode and the life passed from him.

It was sudden and sad, but at least right at the peak of his Everest of effort and satisfaction. His legacy endures. Bravo, Bob. You can donate to his cause here.

What they said

Former footballing superstar Luis Figo on FIFA: “I could write 10,000 words on the problems at FIFA. But the solution needs only three: Infantino must go … I have met some rogues in my time in the game. But what I have seen exposed in the last 10 days is the lowest, most deceitful and cravenly self-interested behaviour I have ever witnessed.”

UEFA on FIFA: “We cannot keep going on like this with secret schemes on fast-track timescales, cooked up by faceless individuals and of dubious benefit to the game. We must identify those responsible and hold them to account.” Translation: we are coming for you, Infantino.

FIFA president Gianni Infantino: “Having listened carefully to all the views, it has become clear that the project has created divisions of a nature that, regardless of the level of support, are no longer in the interest of the objective set out in the first place.” Translation: maybe if I fold my cards and walk away from the table, I’ll get out of here alive.

Petria Thomas, Aussie chef de mission in Glasgow on Australia’s domination: “Obviously, we’ve been very, very successful here, and some countries may not have had quite full-strength teams.”

NSW Rugby League chief executive David Trodden on the just retired Laurie Daley’s legacy: “He has also led NSW to arguably two of the greatest Origin series wins of all time as a coach, after ending Queensland’s eight-year winning streak in 2014 and overcoming adversity to steer the Blues home in 2026. Those wins transcended football. They lifted and reinvigorated the whole state.”

Melbourne Storm coach Craig Bellamy after another loss that this time ends their play-off hopes: “I think my grandkids have got a couple of teddy bears and I might go home and punch the shit out of them.”

Queensland Premier David Crisafulli releasing Brisbane 2032 Olympic plans: “Just as South Bank defined a city as the gift for Expo ’88, Victoria Park will be the legacy of 2032 – a place that belongs to Queenslanders once the games have gone.”

Save Victoria Park spokesperson Sue Bremner on said plans: “It is one of the most complex, expensive and poorly connected sites in Brisbane to build sporting venues. What we saw today was not a plan. It was another insulting fantasy vision with no details. Where are the car parks? Where are the roads? Where’s the connection to the train station? Where are the crowd-holding plazas? The ramp from the [bypass]? The time for empty slogans, greenwashed architect impressions and budget lowballing is over.”

Australia captain Jasmine Garner played in the AFLW’s first game in 2017 and said the match against Ireland showed how far the competition had come: “I just love it that all the girls want to do it. You drive past ovals and you see young girls having a kick … the best thing about tonight was just showcasing what we’ve got and how far we’ve come … it’s just a celebration of women’s footy.”

LIV golfer Cameron Smith on what he does next: “I mean, if [returning to PGA Tour] was the only option, I think that’s where everyone would want to ⁠be for sure, 100 per cent. It would go back to old times.” Old times – plus scars, schisms and a $100 million, but no victories for years.