source : the age
I’m at the markets and a couple we’ve known for ages are desperate to talk Sydney Swans. As is just about everyone we meet.
He speculates, and I paraphrase: Sex work/adult entertainment are dangerous jobs, and she didn’t manage her risk appropriately. She says: They should all be chemically castrated. And this, my friends, is where we are at. In 2026. While no charges have been laid and the police are still investigating, the bloke is claiming it’s the responsibility of the women at the centre of the case. The woman recognises who is really at fault.
I talk endlessly to friends, to family. And men keep telling me they were saved from “dickhead” values by their bolshie partners. This, of course, puts the responsibility on women again.
There were no women present, as far as I can see, at a Tigers’ Mad Monday celebration at the Garfield Hotel in Gippsland, where several Richmond players were drinking and striking one another with belts. Young midfielder Josh Smillie pulls down his pants and feigns shock as he’s belted on the backside by a teammate. After the fourth slap he reacts differently, maybe a recreation of allegations that the adult entertainer wasn’t too pleased she’d been asked to do more than she’d been paid for. I’d love to see how these blokes would act if that happened to them. Mind you, it’s clear some footy players appear to do much less than they’ve been paid for.
Let me say this, I’ve had a few happy successes in my life. But not once, in the wake of these events, did I ever hire an adult entertainer to celebrate with me. I didn’t stay up all night. Yes, I wrote an award-winning PhD, well, runner-up really, which left me too exhausted for that lark. Yeah, I’m bragging. I had a few glasses of a fancy red wine and a choccy or two. But the event itself didn’t cause me to lose my mind and my regular behaviour.
Even as I write that, it seems ludicrous. No-one would imagine that a woman my age would do those things. Or, really, most women of any age. Even if we wanted to, the fear of being found out would stop us. And of course, some men are also lovely human beings who would prefer to celebrate with their actual partners. These Swans were having a big blowout because they beat Essendon, a totally predictable result. Second placed whacks second last. Big whoop. Want something to celebrate? Try winning a flag.
What do women want? Room service, robes, a long uninterrupted shower and an early night, because that’s our idea of a good time when it’s a break from the multiple competing priorities in our daily lives.
After the week we’ve had – the murders, the alleged sexual assaults in laneways by kids who should still be living their innocent lives, the accusations against the Swans, the schools – we know this. We’ve interrogated all the institutions – the sporting clubs, business and corporate culture, yes, schools and universities. But we haven’t interrogated the most influential institution in our lives – the family and the people in it. Change is happening way too slowly. Men have been doing all of those things for eternity. Why are we angry about it now?
Because we think men should have moved on in the way that women have moved on. Women have had some success in politics, in business, in sport, in making change. Lyn Craig, veteran researcher, professor at the University of Melbourne and analyst of time use in this country, is perplexed. One minute, it was all guns blazing.
“We thought there were assumptions. If women were doing more, men would notice and pitch in. It just didn’t happen,” she told me.
We are a bit stuck on how to fix the family. Yep, it’s a shame women have to do the fixing. But it’s not changing at the rate we need it to be fixed, so the fast movers should be in charge. Yes, yes, not all women.
How do we do this? Well, if you are a parent of heterosexual sons, I would encourage you to be very praising of any prospective bolshie partners, where “bolshie” is a synonym for feminist. If you are a father of sons, in general, I’d urge you to do what any decent team player would do. Take a long, hard look at yourself. How are you behaving? Your kids learn from your behaviour.
And look, having respect for women doesn’t mean tiptoeing around them and tugging your forelock. But it does mean listening, talking with and not talking over. No violence of any kind. Also, and I’m sorry to say this, it means sharing the load: physical, mental, emotional. Truck load of work, but it’s your turn now.
I asked the University of Queensland’s Janeen Baxter, an expert on family relationships and gender equality for advice on raising sons. She did research a few years back on families who were egalitarian in their divisions of labour at home. What was the secret? Be involved in the care and maintenance of your children – and that doesn’t mean just paying for it.
“The males had all grown up in households where their fathers were very actively involved in family life.”
But does that ensure your son won’t grow up to be awful? She reprimands me for implying that men are just being a bit stupid or insensitive when they abuse women.
“This lets them off the hook. In reality, they are being violent and aggressive and unlawful.”
About that. We don’t know if what the five Swans did was unlawful. No charges have yet been laid.
But was it decent behaviour? If it is actually true that one was thrown out of the room with no clothes to speak of, I’d like the punishment to align with the crime and get those blokes dragged around the MCG in the nick, where we could point and mock. (Sound mean? Yes. But then I doubt the Swans management would have thrown away its entire season if these blokes were all clear).
Is there any hope for young men, given the intensity of the manosphere, porn and general unhinged behaviour on the streets?
Baxter reminds me that there are many men, young and old, who don’t conform to aggressive and violent masculine behaviour.
“But we need to take a deep look at all aspects of our culture – including importantly in my view, care work.”
And care. Maybe once a week in an aged care place to teach them patience, love and respect. To put other people’s needs first. Would that stop them from behaving the way they do now? No idea, but my god, we need out-of-the-box ideas. That’s one place to start.
Jenna Price is a regular columnist.
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