Source : the age
Will Hawkes
Updated ,first published
A German couple enters the Coeur de Lion, a delightful but compact pub in Bath. Finding no seats available in the bar – there are only five tables – they head upstairs on the advice of a fellow customer. Halfway up, the same customer shouts after them. “And you need to order at the bar!” A rapid volte-face.
Not everyone understands the unwritten rules that govern pubs, even the most basic ones. But there are rules. This isn’t just Anglo-Saxon stiffness: venues around the world, from French bistros to the hawker markets of Singapore, have their own guidelines, their own uncodified way of doing things.
British pubs are places to relax, but even relaxation needs rules. Some take it too far, like the Yorkshire pub I visited recently which covered its walls with tatty signs saying: “Mobile, Tablet and Laptop Free Zone!” and “NO SWEARING POLICY”. But rules are vital. These are the key ones (at least as far as I see it):
Don’t queue at the bar
Occasionally, you walk into a pub and find that a queue has formed. Some people think this is good because everyone gets served in order. It’s not good, though, because pubs are designed so that people wait along the bar. It’s the optimal use of the space available. There isn’t room for a queue in most good pubs, unless you think it’s enjoyable to constantly have people standing beside your table, their backsides at the same level as your face.
Tip the staff (but don’t make a big deal of it)
Unlike Americans, Brits haven’t made tips a non-negotiable part of a server’s salary. Hopefully they never will. Tipping is not mandatory in pubs; indeed, it can be fairly uncommon. But it’s a nice way to show appreciation for someone who is good at their job or working hard to ensure everyone has a good time. Traditionally this is done by adding “and one for yourself” at the end of an order. Don’t expect to see them drink it, though: they’ll usually “have it later”.
Feel free to look at your phone (but turn the sound off)
Anyone who uses public transport will have noted the rise of people playing tinny tunes or videos out loud on their phones. This sort of behaviour has started to seep into pubs, and it needs to be quickly stamped out. That doesn’t mean, however, that phones themselves are verboten: if you’re on your own and enjoying a quiet pint, they’re often a godsend. You can read a book on your phone if you’re virtuous, or just send pictures of your pint to jealous pals.
Chat to people you don’t know
One of the reasons journalists like pubs (not the main one, admittedly) is that it’s the easiest place to have a relaxed conversation with a stranger. You find out all sorts of interesting things. You can take it too far, though: last month, at the Red Lion in Horley, Oxfordshire, I had to restrain myself from interjecting in a conversation about the member of Traffic who had recently died (Dave Mason RIP). It would have meant shouting across the pub, making me look odder than I actually am.
Don’t order cocktails
A lot of pubs offer cocktails. I understand why: there’s a good margin on them and pubs need to make money, particularly in this economy. But you still mustn’t order them. The poor sap behind the bar isn’t a cocktail expert (sorry, mixologist), and it will take ages for him to make you a Sex On The Beach. Everyone else at the bar will hate you. The only exception to this rule is at pubs like the Cooper’s Arms in Crowborough, Sussex, where just one cocktail – a negroni, which doesn’t take an age to prepare – is offered. It’s fine to order that.
It’s fine to share tables…
Those Germans at the Coeur de Lion may have been bamboozled by the tradition of ordering at the bar, but they come from a country with its own superb beer culture, and its own set of unwritten rules. One of my favourites is how Bavarians like to share tables; they’re not shy about asking people to budge up. This is something we should see more of in British pubs, I think, although it can go too far. I once witnessed a group of old soaks ask to share a table with three unwary students at my local, the Blythe Hill Tavern, before gradually elbowing them out courtesy of their exuberance and, frankly, inebriation. Impressive in its own way, but also a poor show.
… but don’t reserve one
A lot of pubs offer table reservations these days, and – like cocktails – you can understand why. I think customers should resist the urge, though. There is nothing more joyless than entering a virtually empty pub and discovering that every table has a little note on it (“Jonty, 8pm”). Spontaneity is key to the pub experience, and by reserving a table you are helping to destroy that.
Get your round in
Young Londoners have, I’m told, started to abandon the tradition of rounds because beer in the capital has become so expensive. I understand and sympathise, but it remains much the most efficient way to do things. It means fewer people at the bar, which is key. I think four people is the optimum number for a round: any more and it becomes unwieldy.
Take your glass back to the bar (and definitely don’t take it home)
Does it make you an especially good person if you take empties back to the bar? Yes. You’re making it easier for the pub to run smoothly by helping the staff. By contrast, stealing glasses is a definite no. The reason why Britons drink out of ugly nonic glasses (the tall ones with the bulge that prevents the rim getting scratched or nicked. Nonic = “no nick”) – unlike the Belgians – is that pub theft is endemic. Someone once took a portrait of Margaret Thatcher off the wall at the Red Lion on Parliament Street in London. Can you imagine? It doesn’t bear thinking about. So pop that Cruzcampo “chalice” back on the bar before you get any silly ideas.
The Telegraph, London
