She caused the PM a headache, now exclusive club offers an apology over Nikki Osborne comedy act

After causing Prime Minister Anthony Albanese a headache on her podcast, comedian Nikki Osborne has struck again with the prestigious Carbine Club apologising to its members for her set at its annual Grand Final Lunch.

Osborne made headlines with her “date, marry, shag” question to the PM on her Deep Bush podcast and a now infamous exchange about melons.

But on Tuesday, Osborne performed a 14-minute routine at the high-end lunch at Crown which went down like a lead balloon with the VIPs, middle-aged men and smattering of women at the event.

The Carbine Club emailed guests and members on Wednesday saying those who attended “deserved far better”.

“On behalf of the President and Committee of The Carbine Club, thank you for joining us at Crown yesterday for the 61st AFL Grand Final Luncheon,” the correspondence signed by club secretary Simon Lopez and seen by CBD read.

“It is with genuine regret that we write to you regarding the comedy segment of the programme. The performance fell well short of the standards our members and guests rightly expect, and we apologise unreservedly to everyone in the room.

“Our Club is built on fellowship and respect and the occasion, and those who attended, deserved far better.”

Osborne, wearing a bright yellow dress, quipped on stage that she looked like Big Bird’s Tinder date before part-way through her act trying to explain to the crowd what ‘star fishing’ was while describing her sex life with her husband.

Sitting on the head table, Carbine Club president David Evans, AFL chief executive Andrew Dillon and Victoria Racing Club boss Kylie Rogers were watching on as Osborne decided a physical demonstration was necessary and lay on her back on stage in a starfish position before rolling over onto her stomach to demonstrate a reverse starfish.

We cannot imagine what they made of it all.

Osborne might have struggled to get laughs, but she certainly had people talking. CBD’s phone ran hot with descriptions of the act and on Wednesday those gathering for the Victorian Chamber of Commerce and Industry lunch were still talking about the Carbine Club’s comedy act.

One guest bluntly told CBD: “It just was not funny.”

Osborne was seemingly oblivious to the bewilderment in the room, taking to Instagram after her appearance on Tuesday to gloat: “Who just smashed it out [of] the park … I don’t even watch AFL.”

But her social media suggested she had twigged on Wednesday that the performance had not gone down well with everyone.

Back in July, the prime minister blundered through a game of “shag, marry, date” where he chose Kylie Minogue as his “shag” over Nicole Kidman and Rhonda Burchmore.

Albanese’s bumbling description of the crown melons – a rare delicacy and status symbol in Japan – given to him by Japanese Prime Minister Sanae Takaichi also became a political hot potato.

In August, Albanese admitted taking part in the podcast was “an error” and if he had his time again he “wouldn’t have done that podcast”.

CBD attempted to contact Osborne without luck.

Another thing in Melbourne that needs fixing

There is never a good time to get the name of a Melbourne legend wrong, much less a footy legend in grand final week.

Naturally, the unusual spelling of Ron Barassi’s surname on a traffic sign caught the eye of a CBD operative on Wednesday.

The footy great’s name was spelt with an extra ‘r’ on the sign positioned on Jolimont Road, leading into Barassi Way in East Melbourne, in the MCG precinct.

The sign advised that “Barrassi Way” was closed owing to grand final preparations.

Our CBD spy noted it was “unforgivable” to spell Barassi’s name incorrectly, and it added insult to the injury of the areas road closures.

Another thing in Melbourne that needs to be fixed!

AFL boss Drummond can’t get Kylie out of his head

AFL chairman Craig Drummond has been won over by pop princess Kylie Minogue.

Minogue, who will perform the pre-game show at Saturday’s grand final, has already made her mark on the city this week with a 13-storey mural of her in footy-mode painted on the side of a building opposite Flinders Street Station.

While Drummond wasn’t sporting any of the Kylie/AFL merchandise that is flying out the door when he attended the Victorian Chamber of Commerce grand final lunch, he did reveal he had some awareness of her extensive catalogue of hits.

His favourite – Can’t Get You Out Of My Head. CBD approves!

While the room of 530 guests liked that response, his answer when asked who would win out of grand finalists Brisbane and Fremantle elicited groans from the crowd.

“Hopefully, the umpires,” he said diplomatically before adding “and the best team will win.”

Speaking of questions, Essendon president Andrew Welsh got a doozy from MC Hamish McLachlan who asked him if it was “a f— up” to take on the presidency of the struggling club.

Welsh showed some deft deflective skills, moving straight into the tale of how he got the gig rather than face McLachlan’s headline-in-waiting question head on.

Wednesday’s power networking lunch drew an impressive crowd to the Olympic Room including VCCI director Sally Curtain, Racing Victoria chief executive Aaron Morrison, Crown Resorts chair Martin Pakula and former footballers Trent Cotchin, Luke Darcy and Chris Johnson.

Having recently thrown his hat into the state politics ring, City of Melbourne councillor Rafael Camillo was busy updating people on his endorsement as the Liberal candidate for the seat of Melbourne at November’s election.

Former VCCI chief executive Paul Guerra, who is currently locked in an ugly legal fight with the Melbourne Football Club after his tenure as the club’s chief executive was terminated, was busy working the room.

Police Chief Commissioner Mike Bush, who was seated next to Welsh, has been in the big job for 15 months and is very much a footy convert. For the record, he’s a Richmond supporter.

While doing a bit of table hopping, CBD managed to spot SCT Logistics chair Mark Stone, Western Bulldogs president Ameet Bains, Property Council of Australia executive director Cath Evans, Melbourne Park chief executive John Harnden, Committee for Melbourne chief executive Scott Veenker, Youth Activating Youth founder Ahmed Hassan and VCCI general manager Agostino Giramondo.

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