Source : THE AGE NEWS
A colleague is having a major anniversary in a few months and plans are already under way to celebrate it at work. This is a person who has been at the organisation for a very long time. They are known by just about everyone. The anniversary is a big deal. The problem is, I don’t like or respect them at all. But this is not common knowledge, and I want it to remain under wraps.
Is it OK to refuse to contribute to the gift collection? I could easily have gotten away with it in an era where you put money into an envelope, but I’m sure we’re going to be asked to put money into an organiser’s bank account, and I’m starting to get anxious.
With bank transfers for gifts increasingly common, slyly avoiding contributing for a colleague you don’t like is a difficult prospect.Credit: John Shakespeare
Thank you for your email, which was beautifully written and which I would love to have published in full. Instead, we’ve kept it short and made some tweaks to protect your anonymity.
One of the things you mentioned in your full correspondence (which we cut right back in the edited question) is that part of your anxiety stems from the fact that your dislike of this colleague is a secret you have guarded cautiously for some time. Conserving that secret is essential to your work life continuing in a way you feel comfortable with.
So, this is a question that – on the face of it – may seem to be about specific work etiquette in a digitised world. In fact, it’s really about abiding by social mores, keeping up appearances and maintaining a carefully cultivated professional facade.
By using the word “facade”, it might seem like I’m having a go at you. On the contrary, I admire you for refusing to let your animus towards a colleague affect your at-work demeanour.
I don’t usually recommend being dishonest in Work Therapy. But in this case, I think it makes sense.
Yes, in an ideal world, this wouldn’t be necessary. Odious people would be quickly removed from our work lives. Or they would be allowed to remain but could be disdained and disparaged – “called out”, to use the term du jour – without anyone needing to fear retribution or disapproval.
But that world doesn’t exist. Sometimes pretense is safer, involves less stress and requires less effort than blunt honesty and the professional upheaval that inevitably follows.
Is it OK to refuse to make a contribution? I think implied in your whole story is the answer to that question: no. By that, I mean that if there were some way you could say you don’t want to kick in while maintaining your secret, you would already have found it. Equally, if you were confident you could get away with saying nothing – and just silently not contributing – you wouldn’t be asking.
The obvious alternative is to tell the organiser of the collection, “I’d love to, but … ” However, I get the sense from your longer email that the facade you’ve so masterfully maintained all this time has nothing to do with fake affection or two-faced fawning; instead it is a form of strict neutrality.
You give no public indication that you dislike this person, but also none that you like them or agree with their methods. For that reason, it would feel like you’re betraying your own principles by holding your nose, pretending you admire your colleague and then explaining away your non-contribution with some elaborate falsehood. Or worse, just making a contribution.
So my advice would be to concentrate on the payment mechanism rather than thinking about excuses or prevarication. Recommend to those organising the gift that if they want to go with a digital contribution system, it should be anonymous.
Instead of people putting money into a single bank account, where the organiser can see names and individual amounts, suggest that they use one of the numerous gift contribution apps designed with discretion in mind.
You’ll need to pretend that your advice has nothing to do with protecting your own interests. Instead, you could say your concern is for any colleagues who may feel pressure to contribute more than they can afford if the system makes it obvious who has contributed how much.
It’s true that this is a form of deception. And I don’t usually recommend being dishonest in Work Therapy. But in this case, I think it makes sense. It’s really just a continuation of your long-term strategy of avoiding showing your hand. At the same time, it reduces the likelihood of anyone feeling slighted, getting upset or even asking difficult questions.
Send your questions through to Work Therapy by emailing jonathan@theinkbureau.com.au
