‘I didn’t earn this’: The silent shame of inheriting family wealth

There’s a conversation I have with people privately that rarely reaches mainstream discourse – the challenges that come with receiving significant financial advantages.

Your parents did well, and you reaped some of the rewards. Maybe you grew up with an awareness that your family was considerably wealthier than others. Maybe you have received – or know you’re due to receive – significant financial support (e.g. help buying a home, a significant inheritance, large cash gifts and so on).

You’re aware of your privilege and, as nice as it is, it also feels uncomfortable. You may feel a bit guilty, or embarrassed. You may feel judged – like people think you had it easy, you didn’t work for your successes, or didn’t earn it. But it’s difficult to talk about, for obvious reasons. It’s not the kind of problem that garners much sympathy. For most, it would be a nice problem to have.

Nevertheless, it does come with its own set of unique challenges. Today, I’m sharing some of those challenges, and some of what I’ve found helpful in working through them with clients.

Proving or over-compensating

How this shows up: You work extra hard to “become something” – not because it brings you joy, meaning, or fulfillment, but because you feel the need to prove yourself.

As counter-intuitive as it might be, accepting your privilege might be the real road to freedom.

Maybe you want to show – to yourself or others – that you’re more than just your privilege. Perhaps you think this is how you’ll earn respect. Maybe you feel a pressure to “not waste” your good fortune.

Why this can be a problem: Proving and over-compensating can be exhausting. You aren’t really living life for you – you’re living the life you think you need to live, to prove something.

This can also rob you of a lot of enjoyment. Instead of enjoying the journey, you’re attached to a specific outcome because of what you think that outcome will prove. “Once I hit $X net-worth or Y milestone, then I will finally feel Z” (worthy, successful, admired, respected, etc).

However, you can’t control what people think. No matter what you achieve, or how hard you try to prove something – “they” (whoever you’re trying to prove to) may never change what they think of you. You could spend your whole life attempting to prove something, to someone who may not need, want or accept your proof in the end.

How to start shifting this: As counter-intuitive as it might be, accepting your privilege might be the real road to freedom. The freedom to fully own your own life – without guilt or shame.

The freedom to cultivate and pursue your own unique individual path – not just live in the shadow of expectation. The freedom to pursue success – not because you have something to prove, but because it’s what makes you feel the most alive.

Holding back out of fear

How this shows up: You hold yourself back from little luxuries you could easily afford – not because it’s an intentional choice in alignment with your values, but because on some level you’re scared of how you might be judged or perceived for making those choices.

You’re worried about standing out, attracting attention, looking fancy or extravagant. It feels safer to stay under the radar – to stay in sync with those around you.

Why this can be a problem: The point here isn’t to spend money just because you have it, or to start being loud and proud about your financial position. The question is – what is the real underlying driver behind your choices?

Do you already feel like you’re living your life fully – or are you restricting your experience of life out of fear? Fear of what others might say or think, fear of being judged, fear of breaking out of your comfort zone? If it’s the latter, then you are limiting your ability to enjoy and experience your own life more fully.

How to start shifting this: Start by looking at your fears – the fear of what other people might say, think or do; your fear of judgment, criticism, or being ostracised. Then, start getting clear on what this is costing you.

How much are you holding yourself back because of these fears? What opportunities, choices, or goals have you talked yourself out of? What would your life look like if your decisions weren’t being quietly shaped by your fears of what others might think?

Many of the challenges that come with receiving significant financial advantages don’t really arise from having money, but from the meaning we (and others) attach to it. We have assumptions about what it means to have wealth, and we judge others (and ourselves) by them.

So, what are the underlying beliefs you have about what it means to have wealth? And are those beliefs serving you – or holding you back from enjoying a fuller, freer experience of life?

Paridhi Jain is a money and mindset coach who combines practical strategies with mindset transformation to help clients create more freedom and fulfilment in wealth, work and life. Find Paridhi at: skilledsmart.com.au

• Advice given in this article is general in nature and is not intended to influence readers’ decisions about investing or financial products. They should always seek their own professional advice that takes into account their own personal circumstances before making any financial decisions.

Expert tips on how to save, invest and make the most of your money delivered to your inbox every Sunday. Sign up for our Real Money newsletter.