Is it a good idea to mix business with pleasure?

I read your column every week and am struck by how many serious problems people have at work. I hope it’s OK to ask about something of a more minor nature.

I moved to a new city last year to take a great job opportunity and have found it hard to make new friends. Recently, I have begun to realise I have a lot in common with a work colleague. I would like to invite them and their partner to my home for a barbecue but the words of a wise ex-manager keep holding me back: “Never mix business and pleasure”.

Should I keep my work and social life separate?

No need to apologise about the seriousness of your question. This sounds like something that has been weighing heavily on your mind and, while we’re not talking about wage theft or bullying or abuse, I wouldn’t call your problem inconsequential.

Your ex-manager may well be a wise person, and I don’t want to suggest that you’re misguided in heeding their warning, but I would suggest that you think carefully about what precisely they meant when they offered that advice.

It’s a cliche, but it’s true: money does funny things to people.

Of course, “Never mix business and pleasure” is an idea that’s been around for a long while. At least a century and probably more. And as far as I can tell, it’s never been defined in a highly specific way.

From at least one perspective, it’s good general advice.

If we take it to mean something like “avoid nepotism”, that’s a sentiment that’s hard to fault. It also makes sense if we interpret it to mean something more like be careful about letting a business partnership change or spoil a friendship. It’s a cliche, but it’s true: money does funny things to people.

If, though, we take it to refer to relationships between colleagues at work (with no financial stake in the enterprise), I think we’re wandering into less certain terrain.

Yes, I can see that in certain situations, a romantic relationship with a colleague might cause genuine problems. In some, it would be entirely wrong. But I also know of people who have met at work, continued working together while they’ve dated or even married, and gone on to have happy long-term partnerships.

But let’s look at the meaning you’ve taken from the truism: “Your colleagues should strictly remain acquaintances, not friends”.

Yes, if you become socially close with a colleague questions of favouritism and impartiality might arise, but as adults, we deal with these questions all the time. It’s not like you’d be wading into unfamiliar waters.

Putting that aside, though, I think refraining from making a close friend simply because they work at the same organisation as you is a form of unnecessary self-denial. And that’s made worse by the fact you spend so much of your life at work.

While there may be a few jobs with very particular requirements that make friendships with co-workers somehow fraught, most are not like that at all. In these cases, proscribing it seems like a way of making a third of our lives less enjoyable than they need to be.

Much of what I’ve said above is in the realm of abstraction, however. My own opinion from everything you’ve told me is that, given the nature of your work, you could easily be close friends with a colleague and it would have almost zero influence on your work. And certainly not a negative one.

But I don’t think you should take my word for that. Instead, my advice is that you interrogate what about your ex-manager’s words made you hesitate?

Are you a naturally cautious person? Does “Never mix business and pleasure” strike you as sensibly conservative?

Or have you had a relationship at work go bad previously? Could that be playing on your mind?

Did you and your old boss in fact talk about this subject, and did they explicitly mention the problem of workplace friendships? Has that discussion stayed with you?

I get the sense you respect this ex-manager person a great deal. With that in mind, if you’ve read this response and are still apprehensive about opening up to your co-worker, the best advice I can give is to get back in touch with your mentor and speak with them about this matter.

I have a sneaking suspicion they’ll tell you not to worry and to strike up a friendship without hesitation. But if they don’t, at least you’ll be able to decide having sought the counsel of a person you admire and trust.