Revealed: Angus Taylor’s Midwinter Ball speech falls flat, Albo was predictable

Every year, tradition has it that the Prime Minister and Opposition Leader each give speeches at the annual Midwinter Ball, an event hosted by the Federal Parliamentary Press Gallery to raise money for charity.

For reasons incomprehensible to us here at CBD, these speeches are delivered under what’s known as the “Chatham House rule”, which means journalists cannot quote the leaders on the record. But the rule, of course, only binds those in the room. And seeing as we weren’t physically present, it doesn’t apply to us!

An insider’s account of the proceedings leaked to CBD, which for whatever it’s worth did not come from our Herald and Age colleagues, suggested we didn’t miss out on much. Prime Minister Anthony Albanese made some predictable remarks about News Corp and the big four consulting giant, EY, after two of its staff faced charges after they allegedly accessed the PM’s confidential banking details.

“For those wandering in late, there’s plenty of room at the EY table,” Albanese said, to laughs. “Don’t worry – they’ve got your details.”

More entertaining to us, though, was Opposition Leader Angus Taylor’s belly flop. The opposition leader had big shoes to fill after his predecessor Sussan Ley brought the house down last year. But Taylor, who along with Peter Dutton has to be among the most humourless people to ever take the stage in the Great Hall of Parliament House, failed to meet even the low expectations set heading into Wednesday evening.

The opposition leader sounded sensitive and insecure as he tried to joke his way through how terribly he’s polling, and bumbled his way through a mystifying bit on brumbies, which, if nothing else, gave him at least one star for the performance. Because only he could have written it.

“I’ve copped some flack from my friends on Sky After Dark for caring too much about brumbies,” Taylor said to the room, presumably to eyerolls. “I care about a lot of uncontrollable things. The brumbies, the Coalition Party Room, Newspoll, Red Ridge polls, Roy Morgan polls, the National Party near a microphone, the panel on the Insiders couch on Sunday.”

But wait, there’s more: He relates to the brumbies, he said. They’re stubborn, hard to shift, impossible to manage, he said. And every few months someone says they should be culled, he said. But they’ve taught him a lot about, er, leadership.

“Keep moving, watch your flank. Remember, in the high country, when someone kicks you, [they do] it to your face,” he continued, by this point well and truly flogging the proverbial dead horse. “Here in Canberra, you guys just call it speaking on the condition of anonymity to discuss internal party matters.” Then something-something Yellowstone, something-something Pauline Hanson, who, by the sounds of it, is living rent-free in Taylor’s head.

Perhaps the best part of the opposition leader’s address was his mention of none other than CBD.

“This is our night of nights on the parliamantary sitting calendar,” Taylor said. “Or as the Nine papers’ CBD column described it today: ‘Canberra’s Met Gala for ugly people’. I think that’s a bit harsh.” On reflection, we’ll pay that – many of our press gallery colleagues looked wonderful.

Beyond Taylor’s bomb, CBD hears the event was a hoot. A tonne of cash was raised for charity. The funds raised will go to the Foyer Foundation, a charity focused on youth homelessness, and Redkite, the charity which focuses on childhood cancer. Funds will also go to Farm Angels, which focuses on mental health support for farming families, along with The Laptop initiative, which distributes unwanted laptops to refugees and asylum seekers, as well as the St Vincent de Paul Society, Women’s Justice Network, and Cystic Fibrosis ACT.

To top it all off, our very own chief political commentator, James Massola, won press gallery journalist of the year, which only could’ve been beaten by his name being spelt correctly when it flashed up on screen. Massola, who has been a senior member of the Canberra bureau for 14 years, took home the prize for his insightful analysis of the internal machinations within both the Labor and Liberal parties, just a week after our political correspondent Natassia Chrysanthos won the award for young press gallery journalist of the year last week.

We also hear the food was okay. Guests arrived to entrees of either smoked ocean trout, sunrise lime kosho kewpie, kombu and beans, or game farm duck with rosella char siu, brussels and petit cos with chickpea miso kefir.

For mains, there was olive oil-poached barramundi, samphire and local mushroom, and saffron emulsion. The alternative was chicken and pencil leek ballotine, Paris mash and saltbush carrots, with pancetta veloute.

For dessert, a Batlow apple and date upside-down cake, caramel sauce, and custard.

And the most important question of them all: How did they all scrub up? Decide for yourself from our hightlights reel below.

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